The 6 Principles No One Tells You About Marriage

In Hmong culture, it is tradition for an older woman in the family to share words of wisdom with a younger woman before she gets married.* I experienced this myself, and when the time came for an older woman to share her wisdom with me, I gladly welcomed it. Today, I would like to adapt this tradition, although we are not related by blood, we are a family in Christ. Therefore, I want to offer you my words of wisdom as an older woman sharing with a younger woman the six principles no one tells you about marriage, but from a Christian perspective.

1. You Marry A Sinner

Ladies, I want to emphasize the importance of having realistic expectations of your husbands. Our husbands will sin against us. They may sometimes forget to be gentle, forget to be patient, and at times say things that deeply hurt us. They might even lose sight of why they first loved us and, sadly, may neglect us. Despite these challenges, it is essential to forgive your husband just as Christ has forgiven you (Eph. 4:32). Show them grace when they fail you and if your issues cannot be resolved, seek counseling for your marriage. Divorce is not the solution to your problems.

2. You Do Not Own Your Husband

As women, we can sometimes become possessive of our husbands because we love them deeply. We want to be with them every hour of every day; they bring us joy and happiness. It is only natural to enjoy their company and companionship. However, I want to remind you, ladies, that our husbands are only on loan to us from God. They belong to Him. They were created by God and each has their own unique personality and characteristics. When we or they pass away, they are no longer our husbands. Let us not diminish their gifts and callings but instead seek to complement them. We were made to strengthen and support our husbands, not possess them. Yes, they are our husbands, our flesh and blood (Gen.2:24), but we must remember that ultimately, they belong to God, and we need to respect their personhood as God's image bearers.

3. Your Husband Is Not Your Savior

As wives, it's important to trust our husbands to care for us, provide for us, and protect us. This is a good and rightful expectation. However, it becomes problematic when we place our husbands above our Savior, Jesus Christ and see them as the source of our happiness and contentment in life. Our husband cannot fulfill only what God can fulfill.

Only God can satisfy the deepest longings of our souls.

If we become obsessive in our love and we can unknowingly turn our husbands in idols. While it is essential to love your husband, it is even more important to love Christ. If you do not prioritize your love for Christ, your ability to truly love your husband may suffer. In fact, without that foundation, feelings of resentment and hatred may grow because they fail to meet our expectations. Only through Christ can we truly understand how to love. On our own, our love can become twisted and distorted.

4. Choose Your Husband Above Your Family and Children

When you become a wife, remember to follow what the Bible says: forsake your family and hold onto your husband (Gen. 2:24). It is wonderful to love your family, and we should continue to cherish them after marriage, but we must always prioritize our husbands first. New brides, often have difficulty adjusting to this but with time, you will begin see that your husband is your new family and you will be blessed even more.

Moreover, when children are born from your marriage, do not place your love for them above your love for your husband. For example, in the early years of my marriage to Pastor, I would often go to the grocery store and buy my kids their favorite foods, forgetting to consider what Pastor liked. He never complained about it. However, after listening to a sermon about the importance of loving your husband, I felt convicted because I was prioritizing my children's desires over my husband's. It's the simple things like this that demonstrate how we love our husbands first.

5. Guard Your Hearts From Others

Do not be deceived into thinking that after marriage, you will never feel tempted to be unfaithful to your husband. There will be seasons in your life when marriage is difficult, and another man may seem more appealing than your husband. He may be nicer and more considerate, or he could simply be a friendly acquaintance or neighbor. Regardless of the situation, it is crucial to guard your heart. If you sense that your heart is drifting away from faithfulness, take action to protect yourself. Do not entertain feelings or thoughts about other men. Remember, it is through contemplation that desires can turn into actions. No one enters marriage wanting to cheat on their partner, yet many people succumb to temptation. Do not believe you are immune to such challenges. So, I urge you now: run away from temptation!

6. Do Not Neglect the Marriage Bed

Throughout my years of being married and observing other women in their marriages, I have heard far too many express a desire to avoid the marriage bed, often due to marital problems or because their husbands are unsatisfactory lovers in bed, leaving them unfulfilled. It is the responsibility of both husband and wife to maintain the purity and pleasure of the marriage bed. However, since I’m addressing the brides-to-be, I will focus specifically on the woman’s commitment to the marriage bed.

As wives, we should not be lazy when it comes to making our marriage bed a place of joy and pleasure for our husbands. We should not simply lay down and let our husbands take charge; instead, we must be creative and show genuine enjoyment in our union. We should be deeply in love with our husbands, and our desire should be directed toward them. Let our marriage bed reflect the passion of the Song of Songs, where both husband and wife experience continual enjoyment and longing for each other. Sex is a blessing from God, and it is His will that we enjoy it for His glory.

Conclusion

In closing, as your wedding day approaches, remember that you will soon become one body, one flesh. You will no longer be two individuals; you will be one person. Abandon all other relationships and fully commit yourself to your husband, and you will be blessed by the Lord.

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*This article is dedicated to Brittney and Jenny. Congrats on your engagement and future weddings! I love you both so much!

Photo Credit: Octor Vang

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Bao Vang is a wife and mom of two amazing daughters. When Bao's not serving her local church, she likes to write and spend time with her family. Bao received her MA in Theological Studies from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and is currently pursuing a PhD in Bible Exposition at John W. Rawlings School of Divinity at Liberty University. Bao is also a member of the Evangelical Theological Society and the Society of Biblical Literature. You can find her research at https://liberty.academia.edu/baobvang.